


The Dark Side of Virgil

by ActuallyRandomPerson



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: ? - Freeform, Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But it's not obvious, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Prinxiety - Freeform, Rated T for swearing, deceit's a SLIMY BOI, dont blame me the characters decided to get their shit together and I went along for the ride, even in fics like this where they're still all technically thomas and therefore share his parents, eventually, except not really, for now at least, i'll retag it if it becomes more obvious, in this fic anyway idm if u sympathise with him he needed to be a slimy boi for this to work, just know if u see hints its because i always headcanon them as virgil's gay dads, kinda implied logicality, less slowburn than intended, probably anyway, slowburn, sorry :/ - Freeform, tags added as needed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-01-11 17:08:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 13,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18428435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ActuallyRandomPerson/pseuds/ActuallyRandomPerson
Summary: Virgil doesn’t fit in with the rest of the group. He knows it, the other main sides know it, hell, evenDeceitknows it.Deceit claims he has a way to fix this. Virgil... isn’t sure whether or not it’s the right thing to do.CURRENTLY DISCONTINUED BUTMAYBE REWRITTEN IN THE FUTURE, SEE LAST CHAPTER FOR DETAILS + SUB IF YOU WANNA SEE UPDATES ON THE POTENTIAL REWRITES STATUS





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on a theory I came up with and posted to Tumblr. You can find the theory [here](https://actuallyrandomperson.tumblr.com/post/183982847637/alternate-theory-to-virgil-being-a-dark-side), but I suppose _slight_ spoilers? I dunno lol, I’m not sure if I’ll include all of it in the fic or if I’ll expand on it at all. So I suppose if spoilers annoy you then don’t read it lol.

Virgil’s absence from the very first Sanders Sides video hadn’t exactly been a conscious decision on both his and Thomas’ part. Thomas had simply called the other three sides out as they were the ones he was most comfortable with, owing to their previous appearances in his vines and other short videos. In fact, Virgil wouldn’t be surprised if Thomas hadn’t properly realised that he, too, had a physical form, given its relative lack of use prior to this point.

However, this absence irked Virgil in ways he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) acknowledge or understand. He _knew_ that he could just pop up without being invited, but that didn’t really seem like the right answer to fix his feelings either. He’d just ruin the vid for everyone else, and there really wasn’t a good place for him to stand even if he did appear. So he stayed in his room in Thomas’ mindscape, and pretended he was completely fine with being left out, like he always did.

But he did start using his physical form more. Maybe Thomas would use him in future videos if he actually remembered that he existed.

 

***

 

When Patton popped up uninvited in the next Sanders Sides video and was well received by Thomas, Virgil spent some time considering what would happen if he also appeared. He had a place in the video, given that Thomas was feeling fairly anxious about how Thanksgiving would go, but he still held back. _Of course_ Patton was well received, he was _Patton._ He was happy and excitable and cuddly and generally a long list of traits that Virgil most certainly _wasn’t_.

And Thomas, unsurprisingly, hadn’t reacted very well to Virgil every other time he’d manifested off camera. He didn’t know _why_ he expected anything different, really, because Thomas being an all around nice and friendly guy didn’t in any way change the fact that Virgil was quite literally the embodiment and source of all of Thomas’ anxiety.

Strangely, that thought was nowhere near as comforting as it had seemed a month ago.

 

***

 

Then, one morning in mid-December, Virgil gave in to his desires and popped up in the video Thomas was filming. Sure, there wasn’t _really_ anything the guy needed to feel anxious about, but secretly Virgil was mostly testing how Thomas would react. It was at this point that he fully discovered just how unwelcome he was.

 

Yes, he’d made sassy quips and traded banter with Thomas and Roman, but he knew they didn’t see it in a lighthearted way. And the entire point of the video ended up being showing the audience how to block him out and remove him, despite his halfhearted attempt to explain that he didn’t actually have anything against Thomas and was just doing his job the same way the rest of the sides were.

And sure, being ignored at every turn seemed to help Thomas deal with both him and life _effectively_ , but that didn’t mean Virgil felt _good_ about it. So he continued on the way he had been, except this time he tried to use fears he could back up with more evidence than he had in the past.

Then the New Years video came out, and Virgil wasn’t really sure _what_ to think anymore

 

***

 

He hadn’t planned on popping in, originally, but then the other three sides started arguing. Honestly, he probably _still_ wouldn’t have joined if he’d failed to notice that Logan had risen up more in front of the kitchen, leaving the staircase free for Virgil. It seemed to be a sign to the anxious side, the fact that unlike in the first video there was actually a _space_ for him.

Despite this, he was still clearly not welcomed by the other sides. They’d agreed with his point about Thomas’ initial resolutions, but rather than giving up entirely like he’d thought they would, Thomas instead came up with _new_ resolutions. Admittedly, they all seemed far more achievable than his original ones, but Virgil wasn’t exactly known for backing down, and his point had been that _all_ resolutions where pointless. As such, he’d kept on arguing until their smug faces became too much to bear. 

He sunk back down, prepared to spend the next hour or so pointedly ignoring how _good_ it had felt when everyone was listening to him. However, when he arrived in his room he was shocked to find Deceit sitting on the couch, casually looking down at his fingernails, gloves lying forgotten next to him.

Virgil froze, and Deceit chuckled.

“Come now, Virgil. Did you _really_ think they’d accept you? You’re powerless out there. Thomas knows how to deal with you now, and the others don’t care. Will _never_ care.”

“How the _fuck_ do you know my name.” Virgil said flatly.

“Oh, Virgil. I know _everything._ You’ll understand that for yourself soon enough.”

Now Virgil was just _confused._

“Understand… for _myself?_ ”

Deceit chuckled again.

“Well, if you accept my… proposition, anyway.”

Virgil sat down on the stairs, eying Deceit suspiciously.

“Your proposition?” He repeated dumbly.

“Yes, my…  proposition.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was the first chap! If you read the textpost, you know what he proposes, but if you haven’t then you’ll just have to wait and see. Please let me know if you see any errors, I did go through and edit it but I might’ve missed something. I’ll try and update regularly but I’m not very good at it, I often get distracted by other fandoms and real life sorry (but hey if you like Harry Potter or BNHA I have ~~in progress~~ fics up for both of those fandoms that you can check out). Please let me know if you liked this! See you next chapter and thanks for reading 😄


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! Here's a nice and quick update for y'all, once again only briefly edited so tell me if I missed anything. I probably won't update this quickly for the rest of the chapters, especially since I'm rewatching the Sanders Sides videos as I write these, but who knows honestly. Hope you all enjoy it!

Virgil waited for a few seconds in the ensuing silence before sighing when Deceit didn’t elaborate any further.

“And that proposition _is?”_

“Oh, yes. You see, there’s something that you so-called _‘good’_ sides don’t know about your… darker counterparts.”

Virgil held back another sigh at Deceit’s unnecessary drama and nodded to show he was listening.

“You see, we are not the only ones of our kind possible. All four of you more prominent sides are able to join our ranks, if you so desire it.”

“What the fuck? I’ve never heard of that before, why do _you_ know about it?”

Deceit rolled his eyes at Virgil’s words. “It’s like I told you earlier, friendo. I. Know. _Everything._ ”

 

***

 

The next morning Virgil woke up to find that he still had no idea how to respond to Deceit’s offer. The other side had left the night before without giving Virgil any more information on what joining the dark sides would entail, but had said Virgil had as long as he needed to come to a decision.

Virgil was... _conflicted_ , to say the least. For one thing, he’d never heard any mention of this before, which meant Deceit was probably using his powers to hide the information from Thomas and the other three main sides. And when Deceit was hiding something from everyone, it wasn’t usually a _good_ thing. But on the other hand, Virgil truly doubted he’d ever be accepted by the others. He was simply too _negative_ , and that fact was especially evident when you compared him to the literal ball of fluff that Patton represented. If what Deceit was offering meant he’d gain some form of acceptance and power, could it truly be all that bad?

 

***

 

Virgil still hadn’t made a decision when he decided to pop up in the video Thomas was making on Disney. He hadn’t been lying when he told Thomas he was a Disney fan, but if he was being completely honest, the only reason he appeared was to see if he’d be received any better this time around.

And although Roman had definitely not wanted him there, Thomas had been… surprisingly open to his presence. He’d accepted the explanation for Virgil’s appearance without batting an eye, and had included the side in the discussion without any complaints. Hell, even _Roman_ was agreeing with him towards the end there. However, rather than settling Virgil’s mind on the right course of action, this all just made him _more_ confused. And that definitely wasn’t helped by the fact that when he sank back down, he found Deceit in his room again.

“I see you still haven’t come to a decision,” Deceit said. “I don’t know _why_ you’re making it so hard on yourself.”

Virgil sighed.

“Look, Deceit, it’s a _massive_ choice which I’m assuming will result in a lot of change. I’m not sure how much you know about people with anxiety, but those are both things that we _don’t_ deal with well.”

“Yes, and I’m _sure_ that continuing to appear in Thomas’ videos with the other sides will continue to help you make a decision, right? Because it was _so helpful_ today.”

Virgil rubbed his eyes harshly at this, not quite sure how to respond. However, he barely had time to realise that this would smear his eyeshadow before Deceit continued talking.

“It’s not like they were truly accepting you today, anyway.” He said with a roll of his eyes.

“What… what do you mean?” Virgil was once again confused. He’d thought it’d gone pretty well out there, and the fact that he _hadn’t_ been forcibly expelled from the video like usual seemed fairly significant.

“Well, think about it more _logically_ , Virgil. You weren’t out there to do your job, you were talking about frivolous and ultimately meaningless topics. Do you think Thomas would’ve still accepted your presence there had you been making him anxious about something? And, of course, _darling_ Prince Roman said it best when he sank back down.”

“Wasn’t he just quoting Mary Poppin’s?” Virgil asked.

Deceit chuckled. “Did you _really_ believe that?” He replied. “Come on, Virgil, I thought you were _smarter_ than that. That was _clearly_ my influence affecting him. He actually said ‘still don’t like you’, which is telling. Even when you’re not causing Thomas anxiety, even when you’re talking about _Disney_ , the oh-so- _sweet_ Prince’s favourite thing in the whole. Wild. _World,_ he doesn’t like you. Isn’t it clear that this means he never will? Just think on _that_ , while you make your decision.”

 

***

 

Honestly, it was almost certainly Deceit’s revelation that made Virgil act so aggressively towards the Prince in the next Sanders Sides. He tried to back off a bit when Patton called him out, but ended up just staying fairly quiet throughout the video. He couldn’t get Deceit’s words out of his head, and was honestly relieved when he sunk back down into his room and found it empty. He sat there in silence for 10 minutes, just thinking through everything that’d been happening lately, hoping that he’d be able to work out why he’d been affected by Deceit so much. When that ultimately failed, he headed out into the common area of Thomas’ mindscape. Maybe being around the others would help, for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! So that's the chapter. I'm aiming for them to be 800+ words, which feels bad considering my two other published fics have wordcounts aiming for closer to 1.5-2.5k, but it's a lot less stress. I know I'm using a lot of italics for Deceits lines, sorry, but it fits the character (and I know he's not lying constantly but we can see when he's imitating Patton that he doesn't _actually_ lie all the time, especially if it wouldn't serve his needs). Also, I'm probably not going to spell anything with the American spelling (sorry) because I'm an Aussie and every time I do I feel like all my teachers and adult family members are going to hunt me down lol.  
> Let me know what you thought please, I wanna hear from you! 😄


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like we're continuing the frequent updates, aren't y'all lucky! I cranked this one out fairly easily so I might actually get another chapter out by the end of the day, but no promises. Only edited by me, as usual, so if you spot any issues or errors don't be afraid to let me know!!!

“Urgh, Dr Doom and Gloom, what’re _you_ doing out here. Shouldn’t you be hiding away in your room listening to My Chemical Romance by now?”

Virgil… honestly wasn’t surprised that Roman had reacted to his presence in such a way. He had found that the best way to deal with the verbal jabs was to ignore them, and was well on his way to doing that when Patton spoke up.

“Come on, Princey, I know you’re not the biggest fan of Anxiety, but he’s a part of Thomas’ personality! Can’t you just _try_ to tolerate him?”

Virgil stopped in his tracks, halfway to the kitchen. This was… weird.

“ _Fine_.” Roman said with a roll of his eyes. “But don’t expect me to actually _get along_ with that emo nightmare, ok?”

Patton smiled softly at the dramatic side like he hadn’t expected anything less, before directing the soft look to Virgil.

“Good to see you out here, Anxiety. I know you’re not the most comfortable with socialising, but _all_ aspects of Thomas are welcome out here, so don’t be a stranger, ok?”

Virgil shifted his weight from one foot to the other, uncomfortable under the kind gaze of the dad-like side.

“Uhh… Yeah. Th-thanks.”

He then speed-walked to the kitchen, taking the moment of privacy as a chance to just breathe. Why was this all so _confusing?_

 

***

 

He didn’t know _what_ to feel when he returned to his room and found it once again occupied by Deceit. On one hand, he knew what to expect from the darker side. On the other, he still had no idea why Deceit was so invested in turning him. He was broken out of his internal musing by Deceit’s sardonic voice.

“How… _heartwarming._ ”

Virgil simply closed his eyes and counted to ten. The other side could be intensely aggravating at times, but they would get nowhere if Virgil lost his temper.

“What.” He said flatly.

“That… _display_ out there. I mean, you’d almost believe that _dear-old-dad_ actually cared.”

“It’s Morality,” Virgil pointed out. “I don’t think he’s _physically_ _capable_ of not caring.”

“But didn’t it feel so **good** , Virgil? Being accepted in some way, even if it was only temporary? If only you'd accept my offer, you could feel like that _all the time._ ”

Virgil held his head in his hands for a moment, intensely conflicted, and when he looked up again, Deceit was _ gone_.

 

***

 

Virgil was so distracted for the next few days that he didn’t even register that Thomas had called Patton and Logan up for a video until he wandered out into the mindscape and found Roman sitting on a couch, watching the large screen that showed them what Thomas’ was doing and laughing.

“Oh man, this is GOLDEN! These two are almost as entertaining to watch as I am, and let me tell you, that is _not_ easy.”

Virgil looked blearily at the screen for a moment, willing his tired eyes to focus. He hadn’t been getting his usual amount of sleep lately, due to his constant overthinking of the Deceit situation, and given that his usual amount was essentially the bare minimum he needed to function, he was not doing so well.

When he failed to respond with his usual snarky quip, Roman glanced over at him with a rare moment of concern.

“Hey, Surly Temple, you doing alright there? Those eyebags are almost looking as dark as your shadow usually is!”

“Uh, yeah… I’m fine, Princey. Don’t worry about it.”

Roman just raised an eyebrow, clearly not believing the other side, but he left the topic alone after that, sensing his unwillingness to talk about it. Virgil tried _really_ _hard_ not to feel touched.

 

***

 

Virgil found that his feelings only got more and more confused as the month went on. He hadn’t had any more surprise visits from Deceit, who was obviously content to let him stew in his emotions for a while longer before adding any more to the pile, but for some reason that just made him _more_ uneasy. And Roman had been acting… well, _weird_ , to put it simply. He seemed to be trying to give the tired side space, and as such had backed off a little with the semi-constant barrage of insults that usually plagued Virgil’s every interaction with him.

He might have been actually _pleased_ by this a few months ago, but all it did now was add to the absolute mountain of confusion that felt like it was _crushing_ the younger side.

Why was Roman acting this way? He didn’t _actually_ care, he never had in the past, so why this pretence? Sure, he hadn’t been sleeping, but it’s not like that was _totally_ out of character for him, and neither Patton or Logan had been acting any different towards him. So why Roman, and more importantly, _why was it affecting him so much?_

He kept on waiting for something, _anything_ to happen, to cut through this mess of emotions that felt like they were _suffocating_ him, but nothing seemed to. He was left to just _endure_ this myriad of thoughts and feelings _completely_ _alone_ , and he didn’t realise how good he was at hiding how not ok he was until the Valentine’s Day video was being filmed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed, as always, and please leave a comment to let me know what you think! It makes me super happy to know people are enjoying this mess I'm writing, so even if it's just a quick "u did good" it'll make my day. As I said in the beginning AN, the next update won't be far away 😄  
> Also, don't be afraid to tell me if I'm overusing italics. I like them a lot (lmao) and as such can become a bit heavy handed when using them (oops)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you look at that! 3 hours later and there's a new chap for y'all. Aren't I nice 😄  
> Usual stuff applies, only edited by me so please point out any errors, and I hope you enjoy.

He’d popped up into the Valentine's video as soon as he feasibly could, half hoping that he’d provoke Deceit into paying him a visit if he acted invested. It’d ended up as ridiculous and over the top as he’d been expecting coming into it, but some of his own reactions just _confused_ him. Why had Roman ‘wooing’ Valerie had such an impact on him? And why did Roman’s suggestion of killing whatever was making your loved ones life difficult make him want to talk to the royal side about Deceit?

It wasn’t until the very end of the video, when Patton had moved Roman next to him instead of Valerie that Virgil finally, _finally_ worked out at least part of the reason he’d been feeling so confused.

Because when he’d grabbed the other sides hand, it hadn’t felt gross, or weird, or any of the adjectives he’d have attributed to the idea before that very second. It had felt _right._

***

 

He wasn’t surprised when he sunk back down to find Deceit sitting on his couch, but it wasn’t the relief he’d been anticipating either. He wanted the chance to wallow in the misery of his recently realised and _absolutely_ _hopeless_ crush before interacting with anyone, but it seemed today was not his lucky day in any way, shape, or form.

Deceit took in his miserable expression (he’d let his shield down as soon as he’d entered his room again, and it was too late to bother putting it back up) and smiled at him with faux sympathy.

“Oh, you _poor thing._ Have you gone and gotten attached? I’m sure you don’t need _me_ to tell you how hopeless it all is, do you? You can figure _that_ out on your own.”

Virgil _really_ wasn’t in the mood to deal with Deceit, and when he spoke he realised he sounded as _just as_ _broken _as he felt.

“What- what do you want, Deceit.”

Deceit smirked.

“I thought we’d already established that, do you really need a reminder? I want you to join me and the rest of the dark sides. I want to give you power, _control._ I want you to feel _welcome, **respected**_ **.** I want you to be valued and important in ways you could only _dream of.”_

Virgil took a moment to compose himself, wanting to be sure that his voice wouldn’t hitch when he went to speak.

“Right now,” Virgil said, voice shaking slightly, “I just want you to leave so I can sleep.”

With that, he buried his head in his arms, but he didn’t let himself cry until he was fully certain Deceit was not around to hear it.

 

***

 

Virgil spent the next 20 or so days doing his best to avoid Roman, which was surprisingly (or not so surprisingly, considering his love of being in the spotlight) hard to do. It was made even _more_ difficult by the fact that Patton seemed determined to befriend him, and as such was inviting him to movie nights and meals with the other sides. He’d done his best to rebuff the overly friendly side, but Patton was… _persistent_ , to say the least.

He’d realised that ruthlessly repressing his emotions in order to pretend they were non-existent was _probably_ not the smartest thing to do when he realised he was acting more vicious than usual throughout the video, but it’s not like he could go back and make a different choice anyway, and the others hadn’t seemed to find his behaviour that out of place.

He wasn’t sure _how_ to react when Patton attempted to reassure him about his seemingly constant role as the ‘bad guy’. Coming from anyone else, it would’ve seemed fake or condescending, but it given that it was _Patton,_ he almost certainly meant it sincerely. Luckily, the moment was skipped over fairly quickly and he didn’t have to respond. But then _Roman_ had shown up, and despite being the one to mention him, Virgil was tempted to leave the video right then and there. But that would’ve looked suspicious, so he grit his teeth and stayed.

Of course, the fact that Roman immediately pointed his finger towards Virgil when he found out there was an issue _did not_ help matters. Virgil was sure he had never been so relieved to sink down at the end of a video before in his life, but that feeling left very quickly when he saw that, once again, Deceit had decided to pay him a visit.

“Look, Deceit, I don’t get why you’re so determined to get me to join you.” Virgil said, before Deceit could begin with his usual act of sly remarks and theoretically tempting offers.

“I told you, Virgil, I want you to have more power. The other three _‘good’_ sides don’t appreciate you. We will.”

Virgil sighed, unconvinced.

“You say that, but people _always_ expect something in return. There’s no way you’d be so insistent if you weren’t getting anything out of this!”

Deceit chuckled. “My, my, my… So _untrusting._ What could I _possibly_ have to gain from this? Is it _so hard_ to believe that I’m just being _nice?_ ”

Virgil flashed him a wry smile.

“Yeah,” he said, unconvinced. “It really is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on _FIRE_ today. Once again, I love hearing from you, and I'd appreciate if you let me know what you thought. Imma go eat dinner now lol


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for no update yesterday! I started writing this chapter but then kept on getting distracted, and I was struggling because I didn't really know what to do with the originality video. Next update will probably be coming out later today as a result of this one having been already half written, but it might not because my friend might be coming over. I guess we'll find out together!!

A week later, Virgil found himself in another one of Thomas’ videos, despite the fact that he had planned to sit it out. The fact that Thomas’ viewers wanted specifically him to answer questions was… _surprising,_ to say the least, but it wasn’t as horrible as he’d thought it would be. And Thomas had actually seemed to  _want_ him in the video, but that might’ve just been him knowing there’d be more questions for the anxious side to answer.

He also tried his best to feel relieved when he found out Roman wasn’t currently in a relationship. It wasn’t exactly a _surprise_ , given that Thomas’ mindscape was small enough that he figured he’d have found out if the Prince was seeing anyone, but given the fact that he’d been fairly intent on avoiding the fanciful side, he’d worried for a moment that he might have missed something. It’s not like it truly made a difference, anyway, given that Roman still seemed to dislike him fairly intently, but still. It was… comforting.

There were a couple of points in the video where he let his mask slip a bit, and he found himself letting tiny slivers of his jumbled emotions show. He wasn’t so sure anymore if it was a good thing no one noticed.

 

***

 

It didn’t even phase him anymore when he sunk down and found Deceit waiting expectantly.

“I noticed you avoided some of those questions out there, Virgil. I have to say, I am _proud_.”

This comment, however, _did_ phase him.

“What? Why?”

Deceit chuckled.

“Lies of omission are still _lies,_ my dear friend, just as much as saying something completely untrue would be. It seems I’ve had an impact on you, whether you wanted me to or not...”

“Why are you here, Deceit.” Virgil asked, deciding his usual tactic of avoidance was the best way to deal with the implications of Deceit's comment.

“Why, to see if you’ve made a decision, of course! Same as always.”

Virgil sighed. This felt like it should be much simpler than it was.

“Not yet.” He said, and just like that Deceit was gone.

 

***

 

The next few weeks in Thomas’ mindscape where unusually chaotic. Roman seemed to be working overtime, unsatisfied with every idea that he came up with, and as such the other three sides mostly tried to keep out of his way. This was perfect, in Virgil’s opinion, as he’d been intending to do that anyway, and this just gave him a plausible excuse. He did have a few interactions with the royal side, the most confusing of which being the… _memorable_ moment where Roman spit yogurt in his general direction before leaving without offering any further explanation.

On the other hand, he found that he was no longer able to completely avoid Patton’s constant attempts at friendship. This, however, no longer seemed as bad as it had originally, despite Deceit’s claims still ringing in the back of his mind. The elder side had cheerily helped him clean up after the aforementioned yogurt incident, and every time Virgil ventured into the greater mindscape he was greeted with a warm smile and a bright “Hiya, kiddo!”.

Despite this, Virgil still hadn’t made up his mind on Deceit.

 

***

 

Then the video on originality came out, and Virgil felt… bad.

He _knew_ Roman had been stressed about the quality of his ideas lately, but he had still prodded the other side until he’d almost had a breakdown. And the others hadn’t exactly been _angry_ at him about it, but that didn’t mean Virgil wasn’t regretting his actions. In fact, he’d been planning on apologising until Deceit showed up to remind him of what a bad idea that probably was.

 

***

 

For once, the darker side wasn’t waiting for him as soon as he sunk down. Instead, he waited until Virgil was almost finished planning out his apology (written, of course, in order to avoid the likely possibility of him forgetting anything or freezing up), and sat silently until Virgil noticed him.

“Deceit.” He said, flatly.

“Yes, it _is_ me. How very  _observant,_ Virgil.”

“I still don’t have an answer for you, ok?” Virgil said, looking down at his letter to avoid seeing Deceit’s inevitable condescending look.

“Oh, that’s _fine,_ Virgil. I’m more interested in seeing if you know what a _bad idea_ apologising is? You _know_ Roman hates you, right? Why wouldn’t he, especially after today?”

Virgil grit his teeth.

“I figured apologising might make him hate me less, you know? I’ve heard it’s the polite thing to do.”

Deceit laughed.

“Oh you poor, naïve, **child** _._ He’s _always_ going to hate you, no matter how _you_ feel about _him_. A single apology isn’t going to change that, now is it?”

Virgil didn’t respond, but after Deceit left he crumpled up the letter and threw it away. After all, what was the point? There was _no way_ Roman would accept it, accept **_him._**

_Why would he, when Virgil was unable to accept **himself?**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed, and I'd love to hear your thoughts! I'm going to get started on the next chapter now so I might be able to publish it even _if_ my friend comes. See y'all again soon!!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See look, I told y'all I'd update twice today to make up for my laziness yesterday! My friend is coming over, so no chance of a third one today, but I'll _probably_ get another chapter out tomorrow. Fingers crossed, anyway (lol).

Then, Virgil and Logan had their debate, and suddenly everything was much clearer and yet simultaneously more confusing all at once.

 

***  


The confusion first came when he popped up and Thomas, having initially reacted badly to his appearance, tried to tell him he was wrong after he said he knew no one wanted him there. _Tried_ being the operative word, as Virgil cut him off before he could complete the thought. He didn’t need to get his hopes up.

And then, at the end, Logan had been _nice_ to him. Had said he _liked_ him, and had even pointed out the ‘cognitive distortions’ he had to have used in order come to the conclusion that the other side hated him. The very same cognitive distortions’ he had been unintentionally capitalising on in order to get Thomas to listen to him, and quite possibly the ones Deceit had been using to get into his mind.

He sunk down, completely unsurprised when he found Deceit waiting for him. The dark side raised an eyebrow at his confused expression, but for once when he spoke Virgil wasn’t sure he believed the other side.

“Oh dear, Virgil, you can’t _actually_ believe he was telling the truth, can you? Why would he be?”

Virgil closed his eyes and breathed for a second, deep in thought. The debate had made him realise Deceit was probably making use of his own insecurities in order sway Virgil into listening to him, but it had also made Virgil aware of one key point that Deceit had somehow avoided bringing up.

“Deceit?” Virgil said, interrupting the other side in the middle of yet another sly remark.

“Yes, Virgil?”

“What would I turn into if I went dark? How would it affect Thomas?”

Deceit froze, clearly not expecting the question. However, he recovered quickly and sent Virgil an insincere smile.

“Why would _that_ matter, Virgil? You’ll have power and respect, that’s all that’s important.”

Virgil smiled tightly at him in response, but didn’t bother asking again. He knew that Deceit wasn’t going to give him a clear answer, but the fact that he felt the need to avoid the question at all was as good a sign as any that the answer wasn’t one that Virgil was likely to accept.

 

***

 

When he found himself actively working and agreeing with the other sides in the next Sanders Sides video, the unconscious decision he’d made after Deceit’s non-answer was reaffirmed in his mind. Sure, they hadn’t been entirely right, but the fact that even Roman was able to put aside his dislike for the other side was pretty telling. Obviously Virgil wasn’t going to read into it, as the prince hadn’t exactly been _overjoyed_ to be on the same side as him, but it had felt like progress. He wasn’t too sure he liked the mind palace, though. It seemed too _sudden,_ but given that he’d been advocating for change throughout the video there wasn’t really anything for him to do but sit back and agree.

He was relieved to find his room empty when he sank back down. He knew he was going to say no to Deceit, to be honest he’d probably known for a while, but he didn’t feel ready yet. Maybe he needed some practice.

 

***

 

Then the next video came around, and Virgil felt slightly conflicted again. He still planned on saying no to the offer, but the video hadn’t exactly been a fun ride for him. _Sure_ , he felt better by the end of it, but the constant transformations had been stressful to deal with. This wasn’t helped by the fact that when he got back to his room he found Deceit waiting. It was the first time they’d interacted since Virgil made up his mind, and he wasn’t prepared.

Deceit smirked at him, clearly smug.

“I see your _‘friends’_ aren’t respecting your boundaries,” he said. “Maybe that’s because they don’t care as much as you’re pretending they do.”

Virgil sighed.

“Look, Deceit, I’m not in the mood to make any big decisions right now. I don’t know if you missed it, but there was a lot of change happening in that vid and I’m not sure I can handle anymore today.”

“Oh of course! I would _never_ want to make you feel uncomfortable, Virgil, because I _respect_ you. I’m _so sorry_ that you think I wouldn’t!”

With that, Deceit left, and Virgil swore at himself.

He _knew_ he was going to say no to Deceit, he didn’t need to think about it anymore. So why hadn’t he been able to just _say_ that? It shouldn’t be this hard, right? He’d say no, Deceit would stop bothering him, and he’d continue on the way he had been except with less stress on his shoulders! He just needed to give the other side an answer, easy as that.

But he’d chickened out, and deep down, he knew why. Sure, he was pretty sure the others accepted him, but a little voice in the back of his head wouldn’t leave him alone. A little voice that was telling him Deceit _hadn’t_ been lying, that the others would eventually stop putting on this act and he’d be as alone as he always had been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, the next ones gonna be a fun ride (you'll know what I mean if you've read the tumblr post) but I'm honestly glad I'm staying so constant with updating this. The fact that the chapters are a lot shorter than what I often aim for is probably helping with that, but who knows! I sure don't lmao. Don't be scared to leave a comment if you're enjoying this, I love hearing from you!! More unedited than usual (as in I've only used word spellcheck, grammarly, and a brief skim through) because I'm hungry and need to shower before my friend gets here, so _please_ point out if you notice anything (clunky wording, the same word (eg such/however) being used multiple times in a sentence/paragraph, anything that's not flowing well). I'll try and come back and give it a proper read through tomorrow, but no promises


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the longer than expected wait for this chapter! My best friend came over for the night and got me into a new fandom (which I should really have expected lol, it's a frequent occurrence when we hang out) and as such I had to dedicate ~48 hours to consuming as much of that fandom as possible lmao. I'm planning on getting out another chapter later today, partially to apologise and partially because the lack of update means I've fallen behind in my goal for Camp NaNoWriMo (it's like the normal nanowrimo in November but you can set your own word goal and the 'rules' are more slack. I'm aiming for 20,000 words)

Virgil _still_ hadn’t said no by the time they filmed the next Sanders Sides. He told himself that it was simply because he hadn’t seen Deceit, but he knew deep within himself that it wasn’t true. It would have been simple enough for the side to call out for him, get the message to him that he wasn’t interested. But he didn’t. He just sat back and hoped the darker side would just… give up.

He knew it was nothing but a fantasy, but when he sunk down after Becoming a Cartoon and found his room as empty as it had been when he’d left, he couldn’t help but hold onto the hope that he would continue to be left alone. This hope promptly shattered when, just a single day later, he came back to his room after a visit to the kitchen to find Deceit sitting in his usual position on the couch.

“Am I _correct_ in assuming you still don’t have an answer for me, Virgil?” Deceit asked. “I would _so hate_ to be wrong…”

‘Yes,’ Virgil wanted to say. ‘Yes, you _are_ wrong, because my answer is no.’

But he didn’t. He shook his head, and Deceit smirked.

“I thought so. Just remember what you’ll gain when you accept, and I’m _sure_ the decision will become easier.” Deceit then vanished, and Virgil hated himself a little more for how _**weak**_ he was acting.

 

***

 

Virgil spent the next couple of weeks trying to build up the courage to call back Deceit and give his answer, but he felt no more ready by the end than he had at the start. So he ended up doing something that would probably have horrified him less than a year ago… He headed out to talk to Patton.

He had been told many times by the friendly side that they were available if and when Virgil needed to talk, but he’d never taken him up on the offer before. But burying his head in the sand didn’t seem to be working anymore, and although he didn’t want to give Patton _all_ the details on what the issue was, it would be nice to get some of the weight off his chest.

When he’d told the other side he wanted some advice, he received a bright grin in response.

“Sure thing, kiddo! Just give me a moment to finish pulling these cookies out of the oven and I’ll be with you!!”

Virgil smiled awkwardly at him in response, and a few minutes later he found himself seated across from Patton, a batch of warm cookies piled on a plate between them.

“So, what’s up?”

Virgil scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, unsure of exactly how to phrase everything.

“When you make important decisions…” He began slowly.

Patton nodded at him in encouragement, and he bit the inside of his cheek lightly before continuing.

“How do you know you made the right decision?”

“As in how do I know I won’t regret it, or that it won’t blow up in my face afterwards?”

Virgil nodded before realising he needed to clarify.

“Uh, both.”

Patton thought deeply for a few moments before responding.

“Well, I suppose I _don’t,_ really." he answered

Virgil must've made a visible sign of confusion, because Patton hurriedly elaborated.

"I mean, I’m _usually_ fairly sure I won’t regret it, but circumstances can change and sometimes a decision you make that was right at one point in time isn’t right at another, or people can have a different opinion on what the right decision is to you. You’ve just gotta remember, almost every decision you make can be changed at a later point if need be, and you need to take care of your _own_ wants and needs more than you need to take care of other peoples. Does that make sense?”

Virgil nodded again.

“Yeah, it does… Thanks.”

Patton grinned.

“Happy to help, kiddo! Now, why don’t you eat a cookie or two while they’re still warm?”

 

***

 

Virgil held this advice in mind as he headed back to his room, clutching a container of cookies that Patton had insisted he take with him. He didn’t feel _completely_ ready for what he was about to do, but it was better that he get it over and done with before he allowed the creeping doubt to slip back in. He put the cookies down gently, took a seat on the stairs, and allowed himself a moment to just _breathe_. Once he felt calmer, he opened his eyes. He could do this.

“Deceit!” He called out. “I’ve made my choice.”

He waited a moment, and when Deceit didn’t immediately appear he started worrying the inside of his cheek with his teeth. What if Deceit couldn’t hear him? What if he could and decided not to come? What if he assumed it was a yes and automatically started the process to turn Virgil dark? He couldn’t do this, _why on earth had he thought he could?_

He closed his eyes again when he realised he was beginning to hyperventilate. It would do him no good to have a panic attack when Deceit showed up, he needed to get this over with _now_. He was so focused on slowing his breathing that he didn’t realise Deceit had appeared until the dark side chose to speak.

“Virgil? Are you ready to join us?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! I was originally planning on getting through Deceit and Virgil's interaction in this chap, but that didn't end up happening so y'all get a bit of a 'cliffie'. The next chapter should be out in a few hours, though, so y'all don't have to wait long!!! I hope you enjoyed this, and as usual don't be afraid to let me know if you spot anything that can be improved! Thanks for reading 😄


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a little shorter (under 800 words) but you'll see why when it gets to the end lmao. I _might_ get another chapter out today, but I have to do a bit around the house so we'll all find out together lol. Hope you enjoy!!

The words somehow managed to cut through Virgil’s still slightly panicked thoughts, and he just stopped. _Join_ them? That… definitely wasn’t in his plans at the moment. He took another moment to make sure he was well and truly calm, and when he opened his eyes he found Deceit standing in the middle of the room, looking much more happy than Virgil could recall seeing him. He supposed that made _some_ sense, if Deceit truly believed he’d finally gotten Virgil to give in, but this seemed _excessive_ for such a seemingly simple achievement. There was still something Virgil was _missing_ , the reason Deceit had been so eager and persistent in his attempts to sway Virgil, the reason his belief that these attempts succeeded had his looking so _elated._ But he didn’t have time to work it out now, and doubted he _could_ without knowledge on what the full effects of him turning dark would _mean._ Right now, he needed to make it clear to Deceit what his choice was.

“No.” He said.

Deceit visibly faltered, his grin slipping momentarily into a look of shock and the hand he was holding outstretched to Virgil dipping.

“What… What do you _mean,_ no?”

Virgil took a deep breath.

“I mean **no,** I’m _not_ going to be joining you.”

Deceits expression morphed into a glare and his hand fell by his side.

“You’re _refusing?_ After the kindness I decided to show you by extending this offer in the first place, you have the gall to say **_NO?!_** ”

Virgil didn’t have a chance to speak before Deceit continued on, looking livid.

“You’ll regret this, you _know_ you will. The others don’t care. We would have. _I_ would have. We could have offered you _everything_ you ever wanted. And yet you _refuse?_  What, because of a _crush_ on someone that **hates** you more than anyone else? A ‘friendship’ with an _emotionless **robot**? _A ‘father figure’ who’ll never see you as anything more than an **obligation?** Or was it a misplaced sense of belonging and worth, a sense that you needed to be _‘good’?_ I’m going to let you in on a little secret, **Anxiety. **You _aren’t_ good. You’ll _never_ be good. You’re nothing better than a dark side _ anyway,_ this would’ve just made it official.”

 

***

 

If he were Logan, he probably would’ve been able to pick through Deceit’s rant and work out what parts of it were lies, aimed to pierce straight through his thin emotional shields. If he were Roman, he probably would have scoffed, to full of self-confidence to even entertain being an _obligation_ or really anything of the things Deceit had accused him of. If he were Patton, he probably would have been hurt, but would’ve come to the others with a smile on his face and let himself be reassured by their presence.

But he _wasn’t_ Logan, or Roman, or Patton. He was _Virgil,_ so he reacted the only way he knew how. He pulled back completely, and it wasn’t until later that he understood how dangerous and _stupid_ that choice had been.

 

***

 

He hid away in his room, for about an hour, taking the time to fully come to terms with the decision he’d made when Deceit had left. Although he still didn’t want to join the dark sides, he couldn’t help but think that Deceit had been _right_. What did he have to offer Thomas and the others? An overwhelming sense of foreboding every time Thomas made _any_ decision? A cynical and warped outlook on life? No. It was much better this way. Thomas would be happier, as Roman would be able to chase all his dreams, Patton would be free to take care of _important_ matters instead of worrying about him, and Logan would be free to make more logical decisions without Virgil bringing up unimportant and irrelevant points.

He left his room briefly to return the half-empty container of cookies to the kitchen, certain in his decision. He had known Thomas was planning on making a video that day, so it wasn’t a shock that he encountered none of the other sides on his way to put them back, and it was actually a relief to know he had a little while longer to think over and explain his decision. Then he glanced at the screen showing him Thomas’ location and view, and promptly freaked out.

“What are you doing in my room?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the chapter! It feels weird being at accepting anxiety already, especially since I didn't have a proper timeline planned out when I started this (I mean I still don't), I just knew I needed to have Virgil in a certain mental/emotional state at certain videos. It should be getting a little fluffier from here on out, but not _entirely_. That'd be too simple 😝 As always, I hope you enjoyed, and you're welcome to point out any issues or how I could improve (especially with the formatting of Deceit's rant, I struggled with not knowing if I was going overboard and conveying the sarcasm and weight he was placing on certain words. I think I did well at the latter of those two points, but quite possible at the expense of the former, so I welcome any and all advice)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Wow, three chapters in one day?' You may be thinking. 'How did you cope? Will this be happening more often?'  
> The answers are by watching the relevant sanders sides vids and spotify, and no, it will not. I didn't have anything to do today, and actually really haven't for the 7 days I've been posting this in, but I go back to school on Tuesday so updates will drop down to either one a day or two every second day (I have chronic fatigue so I'm not at school everyday). But right now I can dedicate my full attention to this, so I will! I hope you all enjoy this much more fluffy chapter, I thought my dark strange son deserved a break.

Virgil was _very_ relieved to find his room empty after the video was finished. He’d been half expecting Deceit to show up and tell him everything was a lie, that the others hadn’t just all worked to convince him he was an important part of Thomas, and he had to work himself to stop from flinching as the others popped in to visit one by one.

He would’ve gone out to the common areas to thank them all, except he didn’t feel like he could handle it. The entire day had been entirely too emotional for the anxious side, and he didn’t know if he could deal with anything more. Telling them all his name had felt... good, somehow, like it had lifted a weight he hadn’t even realised, and hearing Roman praise him had been an experience he doubted he’d get to repeat but really, _really_ wanted to but right now he just needed to _sleep_.

 

***

 

When he ventured out in the morning, he found Patton in the kitchen, looking uncharacteristically worried.

“Are you… ok?” Virgil asked, concerned about the gloomy look the kind side had.

“It’s good that you’re out here already, kiddo, because I need to ask you something.” Patton replied, smiling half-heartedly at Virgil.

“What is it?”

“When I gave you advice yesterday,” Patton started, sounding slightly sad. “Was that what made you decide to ‘duck out’?”

Virgil cursed at himself. He should’ve _realised_ that Patton would come to this conclusion and reassured him before now!

“No, don’t worry Patton! Your advice was really helpful, and I made the decision that I had been struggling with, but then the person who I told my choice to said some… emotionally charged and untrue things. It was _them_ who made me decide to leave, not you.”

After hearing this, Patton’ expression shifted into a bright grin.

“Well, I’m _very_ glad to hear that, kiddo! I didn’t want to believe I made you thought the best course of action was to shut yourself off from everyone, because I’m _always_ happy to spend time with my shadowy and amazing child.”

Virgil instinctively smiled softly at him in response, and somehow Patton’s grin widened. The moment was broken when Roman entered the room and jokingly gasped at the sight of ‘Marilyn Morose’ smiling, but Virgil found he didn’t mind. He could get _used_ to this.

 

***

 

While he didn’t have any more run-ins with Deceit, Virgil hadn’t _completely_ stopped thinking about the other side. While he was confident in his choice, he still found himself wondering what would have happened had he given in. Obviously something that would have greatly benefited Deceit, with how volatile he’d been after the refusal, but for once Virgil was more wondering what would’ve happened to _him_ had he accepted.

Virgil had a sneaking suspicion that it would’ve pushed both him and Thomas a lot further along on that curve, and suddenly his choice to rebuff the offer seemed much more important than it had the day before.

 

***

 

He’d grown a lot closer to the other sides in the two months it took for the next Sanders Sides video to be filmed, and it definitely affected their on-screen dynamics. Sure, Roman still insulted him fairly regularly, but it no longer had the malicious feeling that it had in earlier vids. And while Logan struggled to fully understand this new and improved version of Virgil, he was doing his best to just accept it.

Then they’d all changed up their outfits at the end of the video, and Virgil was amazed that he hadn’t acted more obviously when he saw Roman. The change hadn’t been _drastic,_ especially compared to his own choice of completely revamping his look, but _holy shit_ had it looked good.

And then when he’d changed to his new hoody and shirt, he could’ve _sworn_ for a second that Roman had been checking him out. The royal side had certainly seemed lost for words when trying to compliment the new look, but whether that was because he couldn’t understand how Virgil had managed to make it ‘even angstier’ or because Virgil looked good remained to be seen.

Either way, had Virgil felt accepted and even _loved_ by the others in a way that would have amazed him a year ago, and in a way he very much doubted Deceit would have provided. Things weren’t _perfect_ , by any means, but they were _good._ He had friends, he had a _family,_ and he wouldn’t have to deal with Deceit for the foreseeable future. Now that this was his new normal, Virgil was mostly shocked that he’d managed to survive without the support he was getting on a day to day basis.

No, things weren’t perfect, but they were certainly looking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have done _SO MANY_ words today, are y'all proud of me? But no, seriously, this was like 2000+ words in one day. I haven't written that much in a day for a while, usually I burn out/get tired before then. Good news is I'm back on track for camp nanowrimo, bad news is I'll probably only get one chapter out tomorrow because I have holiday homework I really need to complete. Oh well, you guys can't be spoiled every day! This was like a special treat to make up for me missing a few days.  
> The chapters from here on out will probably be a lot more like this one was, focusing more on the interactions between characters rather than Virgil's internal angst, but it's quite likely I'll swap between the two. It just depends on what's happening plotwise.  
> Remember I always appreciate feedback and really hope you enjoyed this!!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chap today, but I think y'all will like it 😉  
> It took me a while to write because I kept on getting interrupted by my fam, but I'm pretty happy with it! It's by no means perfect though, so as always I appreciate feedback.

Things continued to look up for Virgil in the ensuing month. He found himself holding _actual_ _conversations_ with Roman, which felt _amazing_ despite the fact that it meant his crush was only deepening, Logan had seemed to adjust to his new method of avoiding unnecessary anxiety and had begun approaching him for ‘more intellectually stimulating’ conversations, and Patton was simply himself.

In fact, things were going so well that Virgil barely even noticed that Patton and Roman a little… _off_ towards the end of the month. Logan didn’t seem that concerned, after all, and for all he knew this was normal. It’s not like he’d spent a lot of time around the other sides before this, he figured it could just be a product of the season or weather.

Then he was the first one to pop up in the next Sanders Sides video, and he realised he _maybe_ should’ve been more concerned. This feeling only worsened when he realised Thomas had begun reminiscing over Guys and Dolls.  


***

 

In the end, they managed to show Patton that it was _ok_ to feel sad, and that he didn’t need to be bubbly and happy all the time, but Virgil still felt shitty about not paying more attention to the signs. He was the _king_ of hiding his internal struggles, he should have _noticed_. What if they hadn’t sorted things out, and Deceit had decided to take advantage of the side’s newfound emotional instability? What if Patton had continued on repressing everything until it got to the point where he didn’t know how to do anything else?

Sure, it was all fine in the end, but Virgil couldn’t stop thinking through all the ways it could’ve gone badly, and how it would be **_his_** fault for not speaking up. He was sitting out on the couch in the common area lost in these types of thoughts when Roman found him.

“Hey, Charlie Frown! Why the long face?”

Virgil looked up, startled as Roman flopped down onto the couch next to him, incredibly close.

“Oh, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about me.”

Roman raised an eyebrow at the other side.

“Didn’t we _just_ film an episode about how bottling up your issues isn’t the best thing to do? You were there for that, right, or did I just hallucinate the eyeshadow and mountain of black and purple?”

Virgil flushed lightly, realising Roman had a point.

“It’s not _that_ important, really. I just keep on thinking I should have noticed that you and Patton were struggling and done _something_. What would’ve happened if we hadn’t been filming today? We wouldn’t have caught the issues as early as we did, and Thomas would’ve kept moping about and things would’ve gotten progressively worse.”

Roman stayed silent for a few moments, and Virgil shifted awkwardly. Did he have to sit so close? They’d been getting along a lot better, so _theoretically_ Virgil should be better able to deal with the close proximity to his crush, but Virgil was fast learning that not all theories were correct. Roman then twisted to face Virgil more and placed a hand gently on his shoulder, where the weight felt like it was fast burning through his hoody. He was so focused on willing his cheeks not to get any redder that he almost missed Roman’s response.

“It wasn’t your responsibility, Virge. You need to remember that you can’t notice or control everything, and that _that’s ok_.”

Virgil ducked his head, avoiding looking at Roman’s face.

“Doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I _should’ve_ , though…”

Roman sighed, and moved his hands so they were cupping Virgil’s face.

“Look at me, ok?”

When he saw Virgil tentatively raising his eyes to meet his own, Roman continued.

“I know you feel like you should’ve done more, and that me telling you it’s not your fault or your job isn’t going to help. Just try to remember that no one blames you. Why would we, when we _all_ missed those signs in each other? We’re all doing our best, and we’ll know what to look out for in the future, ok? We can use this as a learning experience.”

“Ok… Thanks, Princey.”

Despite the conversation being seemingly over, Roman didn’t move his hands, and Virgil seemed unable to tear his eyes away from the regal side’s. They stayed like that for a few moments, and Virgil was frozen in place as Roman’s face seemed to grow closer and closer until he realised it _wasn’t_ in his imagination and their faces were inches apart.

“Can I kiss you?” Roman whispered, breath ghosting Virgil’s lips.

“ _Yes…”_ Virgil breathed back, and their lips met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact! I hadn't planned on them kissing yet. It kinda just happened, and it felt like the right time so I kept it. You'll notice I cut the chapter off before really describing anything. This is because I am a 16-year-old, and my kissing experience is fairly non-existent. Hopefully it felt believable? I dunno let me know what you thought (lol)  
> I was worried it would seem sudden but like at this stage the videos were coming out monthly so they’ve been chilling out off screen for like 3 months 🤷


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! This is the first of two updates for today (hopefully) as I'm going to be dedicating tomorrow to finishing off my holiday homework and consuming as many hot cross buns and easter eggs as my Mum lets me, so I'm going to be avoiding ao3/writing tomorrow because I get distracted hella easily. I know I could theoretically keep the second chapter I write today in my word doc and post it tomorrow so y'all get an update, but if I do that I'll spend half the day reloading my statistics page to see if any new hits/kudos/comments/bookmarks come in and _at least_ a quarter more crying to my best friend every time they do because I am still so shocked and honoured that people like this as much as y'all seem to.

“Wow, kiddos, you two sure seem _lost…”_

Roman and Virgil sprung apart instantly, both blushing bright red.

“Patton! I, uh, didn’t hear you come in!” Virgil stammered.

“Well, it’s no surprise! As I was just saying, you two sure seemed _lost_ in each other’s eyes! Or lips, perhaps?”

Roman chuckled awkwardly, and Patton grinned warmly at the two sides who were now situated on opposite sides of the couch, studiously avoiding looking at each other.

“Alright, I was just in here to see if you two wanted any of these,” Patton said, lifting an as yet unseen plate of brownies in explanation, “But it seems you’re both going to be a bit too busy to eat them, so I’ll leave you alone to ‘ _talk’_ ”

“ _Patton!”_ Virgil exclaimed, covering his face as it got impossibly brighter.

Patton laughed, placing the plate on the table between them despite his earlier words and backing off.

“I’m leaving, I’m leaving.” He said with a wink, and the two remaining sides waited until they were both sure he was gone to turn and face each other.

“So-”

“That was-”

The two burst out laughing, awkwardness momentarily forgotten, and Patton grinned from his hiding place behind the door. He _loved_ love!

 

***

 

Virgil floated through the next couple of months as if in a dream. He and Roman had talked things out after being interrupted by Patton, and had decided to give dating a try. The anxious side could hardly believe it had been less than a year since Deceit first approached him, less than a year since the others began to accept him.

He and Roman still had their occasional differences, of course, but that was to be expected in any relationship. They’d also agreed to hide their relationship from Thomas’ viewer, for fear of alienating anyone that found the concept strange or shipped a different pairing between the four sides. Thomas, unsurprisingly, knew, as did Logan and Patton, but the two were happy to keep their newfound relationship between the two of them.

Despite their intentions to hide their relationship, it definitely impacted their on-screen dynamic. This was fairly evident in the video they filmed for Christmas.

 

***

 

There were a few moments in the video where they slipped up slightly, but luckily those points were easily explained away as an understandable side effect of their developing friendship. After all, friends don’t insult each other as much as ‘enemies’ do, and Roman’s reaction to seeing Virgil in the sweater was simply a result of seeing his hard work in designing it come to life.

However, their relationship _did_ mean that Virgil made sure to find his boyfriend as soon as possible once the video was finished. He wasn’t surprised when he found the royal side out in the kitchen, sitting on the bench as he waited for the garlic bread he’d stuck in the oven to finish cooking.

“Hey, Roman.” Virgil said, walking up to stand in front of the other side.

“Virgil!!” Roman exclaimed, hopping off the bench so he could tug the quieter side into an over the top hug.

Virgil leaned into it for a few moments, bringing his arms up to circle Roman’s torso, before pulling away slightly when he remembered why he’d come searching for the other in the first place.

“I wanted to apologise for how I acted in the video.” He admitted. “You went to all that trouble writing out the lyrics and were kind enough to only give me one day, but I just insulted it and didn’t put any effort in.”

“Oh Virgil,” Roman sighed, tugging him back in for a tighter hug. “It’s alright! The line was pretty bad, to be honest, I don’t know _what_ I was thinking when I wrote it! And I know your avoidance of singing wasn’t a personal attack on me.”

Virgil smiled softly and relaxed into the hug. He hadn’t thought Roman would be _mad_ at him, per se, but it was nice to know for sure. His smile grew as he felt Roman drop a kiss into his hair, and the two stayed entwined against the counter for several long moments until…

“Hey, Princey, do you smell something burning?”

“Oh shoot, the garlic bread!! Don’t just stand there laughing at me, Virgil, help me rescue it!”

 

***

 

A few days later, Virgil found himself sitting across from Patton at the table, not entirely sure how he’d found himself there.

“Don’t worry, kiddo! I didn’t want to talk to you about anything bad, I just wanted to check up on you!”

“Okay…?” Virgil replied, slowly.

“I know you and Roman are together now, and you and Logan have been talking more, but I just wanted to double check. Are you happy?”

Virgil stopped for a moment, surprised by the question. He thought for a few seconds, and a smile spread across his lips as he worked out his answer.

“Yeah,” He said. “I really am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this fluff because those of y'all on top of things probably know some of what's coming next 😜. As I said in the first AN, I'm planning on getting another chapter out later today, so keep an eye out for that! I hope everyone who celebrates it (for both religious and chocolate related reasons) has a wonderful Easter, and that those of you who don't have a fantastic weekend and take advantage of the chocolate sales this coming week.  
> As always, comments are appreciated especially since I don't have a beta-reader, and as such have to rely on myself and word + grammarly to edit this and sometimes miss things!!!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yee second chapter for today! I hope you all enjoyed the 3 chapters of calm, because this right here is theoretically the beginning of a brand new storm. Unless the characters decide to be fluffy again like they did when Roman and Virgil got their shit together before I intended them to. But if they all behave it's the beginning of a storm.

The euphoric, floaty feeling Virgil had been living with for over three months stayed with him right up until the moment he walked back in to his room, where it promptly _shattered_ on the ground alongside the plate of cookies Patton had gifted him. Because, lying innocently on the couch between the red rose Roman had given him the day before and his small black notebook, was a _single, **yellow, glove.**_

 

***

 

Now, rather than feeling content as he had been for months, Virgil was constantly on edge. He kept on waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Deceit to come out and tell him Roman had been laughing behind his back, that Thomas wanted him gone, that the others hated him and where all putting on a show. But it never seemed to, and rather than being a relief it just made Virgil feel worse as time went on. He felt like he was seeing Deceit behind every corner, despite there not being a single hint of the dark sides presence anywhere. He was jumping at shadows and sleeping less, due mostly to his near constant state of mild panic, and he _knew_ the others had sensed the change in his behaviour. How couldn’t they, when he no longer relaxed fully in Roman’s embrace? When he was rejecting eye contact, retreating into himself, _reverting back to his old ways?_

It didn’t take long for Roman to approach him with obvious concern.

“Virgil, darling? Are you… ok? Did I do something wrong?”

Virgil’s shoulder’s slumped.

“Sorry…” He said quietly. “It’s not you… It's just- I saw something that reminded me of a bad past experience, and it’s been getting into my head.”

Internally, he was cursing himself. Roman probably thought he _hated_ him now, and the lack of detail wouldn’t help him convince the other that he still cared. He just didn’t think he could handle telling him any more than that, worried that he’d look up and Roman would tell him that Deceit was _right_ , or that Virgil obviously didn’t love him enough if he was believing Deceit’s words.

But instead of asking for any more information, Roman just smiled sadly at the other and pulled him in for a comforting hug.

“It’s ok,” Roman whispered against his hair. “I’m here for you if you need me.”

 

***

 

Everything came to a head when Virgil popped up in a Sanders Sides video and found that Patton was acting… _off._ Him and Roman had been lying together on the couch, debating Thomas’ actions the night before and their own personal influences in the situation while maintaining contact in an attempt to keep things from getting _too_ heated, and when they saw Thomas was making a video on the topic they figured they may as well continue their debate on screen. And when they did, Virgil wasn’t quite sure how to react.

Patton wasn’t acting _completely_ weirdly, but something about his mannerisms didn’t sit right with Virgil. And then they began talking about _lying_ to Joan, and Virgil didn’t know _how_ to deal with all the red flags that were popping up in the back of his mind as the video went on. It was hard to know how many of them were simply a side effect of the increased stress he’d been dealing with ever since he’d found Deceit’s glove, how many were simply due to the subject manner, and how many were grounded in reality, but knowing he was possibly catastrophising didn’t exactly help calm him down.

And then Patton called him friendo, which just felt **_wrong_**.

 

***

 

To be honest, Virgil wasn’t sure whether to feel relieved or not when it was confirmed ‘Patton’ was actually Deceit. _Sure_ , it meant that (for once) he hadn’t been just been jumping at shadows, but it _also_ meant the dark side was growing braver, more ambitious. Then he sank back down, and wasn’t surprised to find the side sitting on his couch in a similar position to the one he’d held when he’d first shown up, now over a year ago.

“What are you doing here, Deceit?”

The other side smirked.

“ _Definitely_ not collecting my glove, that’d just be _silly.”_

Virgil sighed.

“You know what I mean. Why are you trying to get into my head again, why did you come out into the video today, what’s the _point_ of it all?”

Deceit chuckled.

“I thought you would’ve figured all that out by now, Virgil! Or have you been too _distracted_ with your _oh-so-perfect_ boyfriend?”

Virgil remained silent, instead glaring at the other side. He wouldn’t rise to the bait, wouldn’t let Deceit know that he’d succeeded in getting into Virgil’s head.

“It _couldn’t possibly_ be because I want power, could it? _That_ wouldn’t make _any_ sense _at all.”_

As Virgil attempted to process this, Deceit left. He hadn’t stated it, and probably never would, but there was another reason for his recent actions. Virgil had made things _personal_ when he’d refused the Dark Sides’ generous offer. Deceit would _enjoy_ watching as the hope in his eyes died out, _watching him **crumble.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was the chap! It took a little longer to write than intended because I forgot that Can Lying Be Good was 30 mins long (lmao), but it's out and that's all that matters. I hope the ending was alright, I know I don't usually venture into the other characters mindsets but it felt like I needed to a little bit. As always, let me know what you think, and don't be scared to send this fic to any fellow sanders sides fans that you think would like it! I literally cry every time I read a comment because y'all are so sweet


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm thinking I'll need to add a joking chapter at the end of this titled "reasons Emma shouldn't be a writer", as I wrote most of this at school today and as such some... _interesting_ lines ended up in the rough draft of this. Because I was writing it in the notes on my phone, instead of word, a lot of memey sentences happened. They've all been edited out, obviously, but there was a _lot,_. If I continue writing these in between classes, I should be able to continue publishing about a chapter a day which is good! I hope y'all enjoy this 😄

For the second time in as many months, Virgil found himself looking around every corner, convinced Deceit was going to spring out and attack him. Just like last time, he didn’t actually _see_ Deceit, but this time he was _certain_ he wasn’t going insane. At least, not _completely._

It began small. He’d catch a flash of yellow out the corner of his eye, and would turn around only to find it was gone. He’d see a reflection of scales only to have it morph into Patton, Logan, or Roman as soon as he tried to subtly take a closer look. He’d risk venturing out into the common room and would find Deceit’s signature hat on his usual chair.

This silent torment may have _started out_ calm, but Virgil quickly found that it didn’t remain that way. He began seeing Deceit behind every corner, in every shadow. He found himself staying up later and later, unable to sleep due to his ever-present fear that he’d find Deceit in his room when he woke, or that he’d wake and find that he’d dreamt the past few months up in an attempt to escape his situation. He found himself applying his eyeshadow darker and darker, attempting to cover up the bags that resulted from his complete lack of sleep.

He fully realised one such sleepless night that he couldn’t even trust his interactions with the other three sides, as Deceit had been fairly adept at imitating Patton, and with his mental state the way it was Virgil wasn’t sure he’d pick up on the shift as easily as he had in the video. He found himself spending more and more time in his room, the only place he felt he could truly feel safe, as Deceit seemed to favour tormenting him from afar over head to head confrontation.

When Virgil first started struggling again, in the week immediately after his latest interaction with Deceit, he’d decided not to tell the other sides about it. He’d told himself that it was because he was better, _stronger_ than he was a year ago, that Deceit no longer held that frankly terrifying amount of power over him. But even then he knew it was a lie. He couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ tell the others because he was _petrified_ of finding out Deceit had always been right, that he was **worthless** , that they were pretending to get along with him because it was better than him turning fully dark and resenting them.

Outwardly, he tried to keep it together. Tried to act the way he had been for those peaceful and happy months, tried to pretend he wasn’t falling apart, that he just wanted a little more alone time, that his growing reclusion was simply a side effect of his antisocial and introverted tendencies. Outwardly, he tried to convince the others that he was completely ok. But inwardly, he was falling apart more and more with every passing day. And he soon learned his pretences were _absolutely useless._

 

***

 

“I’m worried about him, Patton...” Roman admitted, voice low in an attempt to keep the conversation from reaching Virgil’s ears.

He was sitting out in the living room for once, having been invited to dinner by the other sides and deciding to attend in a desperate attempt at normalcy. It hadn't worked, his hyper-vigilant and paranoid thoughts making him  _certain_ Deceit was planning on trying something to ruin the dinner, to mess with Virgil.

Roman’s low voice probably _would_ have worked had Virgil been listening to music the way he was pretending to. He wasn’t, as he couldn’t afford to let his guard down. Deceit could be _anywhere,_ and Virgil wanted to be prepared to deal with a verbal onslaught.

 “Yeah... but he was good just before, right? When you were taking the photo for your background?” Patton asked, voice hushed.

Roman sighed and pulled out his phone.

“You don’t understand, Patton. Look at him in them properly, especially the first few! It took me tickling him to get some semblance of joy on his face, and even then, it looks slightly forced. He smiles, sure, has every time he’s seen us, but it never reaches his eyes. He’s sequestering himself away more and more, and even though I’ve reminded him again and again that I’m available if he needs to talk, he hasn’t. I just wish he’d tell me what’s wrong. I wish he _trusted_ me.”

In the living room, Virgil froze, water glass halfway to his lips. Well. It seemed his carefully constructed walls weren’t as effective as he’d hoped. He noted this in a completely detached manner, and barely noticed as his glass began slipping out of his hands. In fact, he didn’t move, even it hit the carpeted ground with a dull thud, even as Patton and Roman came bustling in with towels to mop up the water and check he was ok. He barely even _registered_ them, and it wasn't until much,  **much** later that he realised why that had worried Roman so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This marks the first chapter in this fic that doesn't cover a video! Whoo! I dunno if Virgil's descent into paranoia and generally not good mental health seems a little sudden, but sorry if it does. This is based on (a much more extreme and with the added effects of paranoia bc Deceit) my personal experience with mental illness, and something I'm realising this year is that me dealing with some of my self worth and inferiority issues towards the end of year nine and having a good year 10 (in terms of those issues) doesn't stop said self-worth issues rearing their ugly heads again now that I'm in year 11 and my friendship group is all over the place. It's been an... _interesting_ 8 months since I got chronic fatigue, I have to say. But anyway what I was getting at is that although Virgil dealt with some of his issues, and logically knows he's catastrophising and that Deceit was lying, his hyper-vigilance in an attempt to ward off the dark side combined with not fully resolved self-worth issues has resulted in well, this. See y'all next chapter 😄😄💜  
>  ** _KINDA IMPORTANT NOTE:_** _I realised while editing this and doing my usual "lets add a line here, a line there, change this completely... yeah that's better" that Virgil is kinda disassociating at the end of this. This was not my initial intention, and was a result of some of the edits I made. I'm keeping it the way it is now as I feel like it's a stronger chapter than it was pre-edits, but I feel the need to stress that I don't have personal experience with disassociation, as it is not an issue me or my friends have ever had. I don't even know for sure that Virgil is disassociating at the end, it's just that his behaviour matches some of the descriptions I've seen from people who have dealt with this. I do not intend to make this a massively recurring issue in this fic due to my lack of experience with and knowledge of dissociative disorders, and did not intend to offend anyone. I'm probably being overly cautious here, but if the scene seems problematic in anyway please let me know and I'll change it! I don't want to misrepresent a disorder that many people deal with on a daily basis, and some of y'all are probably more knowledgable about it all and how it works than I am. Also, I should've said this earlier, but if you guys think I need to add a tag or any warnings before chapters please let me know!!_


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the long wait for the update, especially with my panicky and anxiety fueled end note being the last thing y'all saw, but returning to school has reminded me how much it punches me in the face (both energy & creativity wise). Also, I ate/drank/consumed spoilt milk this morning like a dumbass- not a good idea if anyone was wondering. It does not lead to fun results. I'm not really happy with this chapter (especially/probably because it took me so long to write), but I'd prefer to have it out and published so I can move on to the next one rather than agonizing over it needlessly.

“Virgil, love, are you ok? Can you hear me?”

Roman’s voice slowly pierced through the fog surrounding Virgil thoughts and he nodded.

“Oh, thank the Fairy Godmother, you’re coming back to us. Are you alright?”

Virgil shrugged, and Roman sighed before reaching out and grabbing Virgil’s hand.

“Can you talk for me, love? We’re just worried about you.”

Virgil blinked slowly, and Roman squeezed his hand tighter for a moment.

“It’s ok if you can’t yet. You were pretty far gone into your own head there…”

“No,” Virgil said, softly. “It’s ok.”

With these words, Roman felt a tension he didn’t even realise he was holding relax. He wanted nothing more than to pull the other side into a tight hug, but first-

“Can I hug you?”

Better to be sure, after all.

“Yeah.”

With that confirmation, Roman threw his arms around his boyfriend, and after a moment Virgil lifted his arms up around the other side. He’d been avoiding physical contact since Deceit had shown up in his room, as though physically distancing himself would help him feel safer. He hadn’t realised how much he _missed_ it until he found himself surrounded by the comforting embrace of his boyfriend. He tried to move deeper into the hug, and sensing this, Roman pulled the other side into his lap, where Virgil buried his head into his partner's neck. This was nice.

***

 

Despite Roman’s growing questions and concerns, Virgil kept the reasons for his breakdown to himself. Even if he was fairly sure now that the other side wasn’t going to abandon him due to the doubts Deceit planted in his head (or worse, tell Virgil he had a reason to be worried), Roman was likely to deal with Deceit in the way he dealt with all problems. And no one really knew what would happen to Thomas if a part of his psyche was permanently imprisoned and/or killed, but Virgil was fairly sure it wouldn’t be _good._

So he just told Roman that it was simply because he hadn’t been sleeping well, and ignored the look on the other sides face that told him plainly the other side wasn’t buying it.

It didn’t take long for Patton to approach him, eyes filled with badly masked worry for ‘his beautiful anxious son’.

“Hey, kiddo! You had us all worried the other day, ya know?”

Virgil froze on his way into the kitchen, annoyed that he hadn’t smelt the tart baking in the oven and come back at another time. Patton pulled out a chair for the other side, and Virgil sunk into it slowly while the fatherly side continued bustling around the kitchen.

“You wanna tell me what happened?”

Virgil shrugged.

“I’ve just been having trouble sleeping, like I told Roman. I must’ve just fallen asleep with my eyes open, or zoned out.”

Patton pulled the tart out of the oven and placed it on a cooling rack before sitting down across from the other side.

“Are you sure that’s all? You know you can tell me if anything’s going on, right? I won’t even tell Roman unless you ask me to.”

Virgil shrugged noncommittally, and Patton sighed.

“Are you willing to talk about why you aren’t sleeping? We all just want to know how we can help.”

Virgil bit the inside of his cheek for a moment.

“I dunno why I’ve been struggling. I guess it’s just that my anxiety’s been playing up. I can deal with it alone, I always used to.”

Patton sighed again, disliking the reminder of the many years Virgil spent isolated from the group.

“You shouldn’t _have_ to deal with it alone anymore, kiddo! Would having a sleepover in the common room help at all? Then we’d be able to help keep you out of your own head, and you’d be surrounded by the people you care about.”

Virgil shrugged again, and Patton stood up.

“Well, it’s worth a try! I’ll tell Logan and Roman we’re sleeping out here tonight.”

 

***

  
In the end, they ended up putting off the sleepover for a few nights. Patton had gone looking for the two sides only to find they were in the middle of filming a new video, the first one in a while not including all four of the sides, and when they’d come out they both looked fairly tired. Roman _had_ agreed it sounded like a good plan, with a speed that led Virgil to believe he was angling for more cuddles, and apparently even Logan had decided to take part. The fact that it was _Patton_ asking probably played a large part in that decision, but either way, they decided to all sleep out in the common room the coming weekend. Virgil was just hoping Deceit didn’t decide that now was the right time to finally show his face again…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was the chap! I hope you all liked it, and once again don't be afraid to offer me constructive criticism! It's only roughly edited because I was worried if I read through it all again properly I'd delay posting because I'm not happy with how it turned out. In light of how I handled (or, rather, _didn't_ handle) juggling school and writing this week, I've decided to try and stick to a more formal updating schedule, rather than the once or twice a day I was managing in the hols. I'll try to update twice every weekend (1 sat and 1 sun), which leaves me the week to dedicate towards my school/homework but still means I'll be getting chapters out. One of the reasons I didn't this out yesterday or the day before was due to a homework task I could've easily completed during the week but kept on putting off, so this will also hold me accountable for my schoolwork. On another note, if y'all need any advice for handling nausea then boy am I the person to ask 😂


	15. NOT AN UPDATE (SORRY)

Hey guys, this isn’t an update, which I’m sorry about. I know how shitty it can be to see that an author’s posted another chapter, only to find that it’s just an AN. However, I _also_ know how shitty it feels to have an author up and leave suddenly, without explanation, especially when they’ve been updating as regularly as I was.

Before I get into things, I need to stress: **THIS FIC IS _NOT_ ABANDONED.** I’m just taking a hiatus from updating for a while, for the reasons outlined below.

Those of you who have been reading my AN’s in each chapter have probably picked up on me mentioning that I have chronic fatigue. I came down with it 9+ months ago now, a week before my 16th birthday. It’s been… _difficult_ to deal with, especially since my usual energy and excitement level was 11/10, even while I was dealing with insomnia. I literally went from barely sleeping, excelling in school, dancing ~13 hours a week, and doing it all with the energy and bounce of a newborn puppy, to sleeping anywhere between 12 & 16 hours a night, living with a constantly foggy and clouded mind, quitting dancing, and being mentally & physically exhausted 24/7, all in the space of around a month. I have obviously since adjusted my life around this, and have been slowly improving since I first got sick (eg I’m making 3 days of school a week now when last year I struggled with 2), but a massive and less obvious part of my life my CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) has impacted has been my relationship with fandom.

Fandom has been a dominating aspect of my life ever since I was 10 and realised that with the internet being the strange and wonderful place that it was, all those stories I was making up in my head about Harry Potter had probably been written out and uploaded by _someone._ My boundless enthusiasm for life in general meant that from this age onwards, ~95% of the original fiction I’ve interacted with (and oftentimes that interaction is _through_ fanfiction, I have a problem guys) and enjoyed at all has caused me to look for fanfiction of it. This encompasses everything from Disney movies to classical literature (for example and most recently, the Great Gatsby). Back when I had the energy to expend on all this, it created my habit of joining new fandoms, adding them to my ever-rotating selection of fics after dedicating about week to them alone, and then spending my weeks with upwards of 5 fandom interests at a time, both new and old.

However, I no longer have the energy to expend on this cycle. So instead, my brains new tactic is to switch fandoms completely, and fairly regularly. I’ve noticed that my mood affects how rapid the switches are- When I’m going through a more depressed phase, I’m likely to stick with 1 fandom completely until I’m utterly bored of it and start looking for unusual ships to fuel my love, or switch fandoms for a few days and then come back to the original fandom. When I’m happy, the switches happen rapidly, and I’m more likely to oscillate between 2/3 fandoms in an imitation of my old behaviour.

For a more concrete example, below is a list of the fandoms I’ve been a part of in the last few months, with notes on (roughly) how long for.

  * Marvel, specifically Clint/Phil and Tony acting as Peter’s dad.
  * From a tag that a phil/clint fic got me interested in, James Bond.
  * From there, my love for Sherlock was reignited because all the Q as a Holmes fics.
  * Then, the Carry On sequel was announced (or I might have just remembered it was announced lol, as I said this is all very nebulous with timing. This could have been in Feb or could be like March) So I jumped back there
  * From there I got briefly back into Harry Potter, but not long enough to get much work done on my fic
  * My friend then dragged me into a love of My Hero Academia. This obsession lasted a long time, as I was a little depressed. There were brief breaks for other fandoms, eg Nanbaka and Ouran High School Host Club, but it was mainly bnha for a few months
  * Then, the new Sanders Sides came out, I went on holidays, and I started this fic.
  * The same friend from before also dragged me into Dangon Ronpa, at about chap 7 (I mention needing 48 hours to dedicate to a fandom-Dangon Ronpa was that fandom)
  * School started back up, and with it my love of Marvel was reinvigorated due to Endgame’s release. I wrote the last chapter of this the weekend before I saw endgame.
  * I then got into Daredevil through the spiderman fics that include a team up between them
  * Then, literally last night, I fell back into James Bond due to a fic reminding me of my love for the fandom. I imagine I’ll fall back into marvel/daredevil in a few days though.



To misquote Katy Perry: “I change fandoms, like a girl changes clothes”. Not mentioned above are all the fandoms I was interested in for ~3 days. Or me bouncing back to marvel with a different ship or trope for a day or two every few weeks. Or the schoolwork and exams I’ve been doing. Or the original story(/ies kinda) I’ve been working on. Or, like, my attempt at a social life. Obviously, not being at school half the time means I have more _free_ time, but there’s a reason I never used to sleep (ok that’s kinda a lie I’ve been having sleeping issues for a long time. I used to get so bored at night in primary school that I’d use my alarm clock as a light to read under the covers).

All of this has been a longwinded way of saying that right now, my investment in and love of Thomas & the sides is on a back burner. This fic _will_ get updated eventually, I promise. For all I know, I’ll find time to watch the vid he uploaded on his second channel the other day and y’all will get an update later this week. But I felt like I owed you guys an explanation for the delay, and I hope you guys stick around for long enough that you see my next update, whenever it may be. Oh, I’m also _kinda_ working on a post-endgame oneshot that I’m planning on finishing when me and my fam go to see it again (most of us went with friends while my mum worked through all the marvel films lol) so I guess sub to me specifically if you want to see that? No promises though, I’ve had a renewed passion for my original story so am putting my writing energy into that right now.

I love you all for reading and enjoying this fic as much as you have, and hopefully I'll be back soon 😄💜


	16. Discontinuation Notice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry y'all

I’m sure by now, you all have had a chance to go watch the latest sanders sides video. I had to put off watching it for life and legitimately only just watched it like 20 mins ago, but if you haven’t yet then STOP READING. Seriously. Stop.

~~break so y'all don't get spoilers if you haven't watched yet~~

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Ok, now, for those of you who _have_ watched it, I don’t think it’ll come as a surprise that (at least) for now, I’ve decided to discontinue this story. There are some people who are _really good_ at taking an AU idea and continuing to run with it even when canon adapts to make it entirely wrong. Right now, I do not believe I am one of them.

Truthfully, this development is one of the reasons I was so disappointed in myself and the fact that I burnt myself out when I first started publishing this. Although I liked speculating, the fact that we didn’t really fully understand the lore around the dark sides meant that even though I felt it would be hella interesting to see this story go the way _I_ was envisioning it, I was fairly certain it was going to go the way it ended up going, due to the puzzle pieces fitting better that way. The fact that this video implies that the dark sides are called that due to _Thomas’_ mental categorisations, rather than anything being intrinsically negative about them (In Deceit’s case think of things like white lies, the whole ‘if a murderer wanted to know your best friends location, would you tell them’ etc, and in Remus’ case- well, horror and thriller writers would not really exist if they didn’t use the darker aspects of their imagination to their advantages) means one of the main reasons I felt Virgil being dark is void, (the whole ‘we literally were shown he was good and that anxiety is good as long as ur not at the bad end of the curve why is he now 'dark'’). As soon as I realised it was _Thomas_ sorting them into ‘dark’ and ‘light’, I pretty much knew my theory was wrong as, well, he _thought_ Virgil was bad for a long time, and as such Virgil would've fallen into the same category as Remus and Deceit.

Now, I’m not saying I’ll never come back to this, or try to work it so Remus (and any other future sides) fit in with the story but going with my mental canon I’d made. Truthfully, even while watching the video I was coming up with a few ways he could fit effectively and actually make the next arc of the story better (because Virgil has been doing well for a while, but we knew Roman hadn’t been so continuing to torture Virgil with Deceit and never developing past that didn’t feel right. However, I wanted to wait and see if we got any more info on why Roman had seemed off in the last few vids, (but then I was torn between that and my “but then the theory might be negated” and that’s _another_ reason I haven’t been writing for this.), as then I'd have a way to advance the story well.

I’m just saying that for right now, this story feels a) rushed due to me writing and publishing ~12,000 words with a rough idea of the story I wanted to communicate but no clear ideas of where I was actually going and how I wanted to get there, b) is no longer accurate and therefore probably not as interesting to some of y’all, c) would probably need to be rewritten at least slightly to include mentions of Remus and/or any future sides (+ the whole rushed thing), and therefore is being discontinued. At the end of the year, when I have summer holidays, I may sit down and plot out where I want this to go and start rewriting it.

If I do, I will publish another chapter here so y’all can check it out without having to sub to my account (but feel free to! I may write more Sanders Sides oneshots in the future, and right now I have: 2 My Hero Academia oneshots up (1 is gen, one is erasermic), a Positive!rant about why Dan Howell coming out was so significant to me (go watch his, Phil Lester’s, and Eugene Lee Yang’s coming out vids guys they’re _all_ amazing) as well as a drabble about what _could_ have been going through his mind as he posted it, and a fairly shitty half completed Wolfstar fic that I started in 2017 and continued in January this year that I _may_ finish eventually. I’m probably going to be mostly writing more My Hero Academia shit in at least the near future, including a series of drabbles with my best friend about our shared OCs who are a bubblegum jpop group that I would literally die for.)

Best of luck to all of you, and hopefully I’ll see your usernames again sometime. Seeing all of your reactions to this fic was amazing, so hopefully you’re not too mad at me for this decision.

 

💜💜💜

~Emma

 Ps. I just reread all of your comments from when I was actually posting this and made myself Friccin Sad because y'all are so nice. I'll do my best to rewrite this later in the year, because I love y'all for being heccin supportive and lovely people and you all deserve me at least  _trying_ to rewrite this mess.


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